I have backwards commitment issues. Usually when someone is said to have ‘commitment issues’ they don’t commit to anything. But I, I commit to EVERYTHING and with gusto. If it catches my interest or I feel obliged (more on this later) I’m doing it. And I’m gonna do it all the way. Go big or go home. I should alter that to “Go big for God, go Home to God”
This is probably why I think I should be at my internship 5 days a week. And that I should be able to pick up any hosting shifts that people need covered. And help lead a book study this summer. And make bread weekly to distribute to friends. And why I applied early decision to William and Mary.
Many of these things, I am beginning to think, I throw myself into because other people expect me to. Or they think it’s best and I value their opinion so I go for it. I’ve always known I was a people pleaser. But now I’m beginning to see that it’s a problem. I’m not gonna start being mean, but just because you want me to do it, doesn’t necessarily mean that I will.
In learning these things, a bit of an early-onset quarter life crisis is occurring. Am I really on the track of what God has laid out for me? Yes, I know that He makes all things work together for my good and that He is faithful no matter what. But there is still a good, better, best.
I’m reading this book called “Let Your Life Speak” and read this lovely bit today talking about vocation: “That concept of vocation (that it comes from outside us) is rooted in a deep distrust of selfhood, in the belief that the sinful self will always be “selfish” unless corrected by external forces… It is a notion that made me feel inadequate to the task of living my own life, creating guilt about the distance between who I was and who I was supposed to be, leaving me exhausted as I labored to close the gap.” To snag another idea of the author’s, I’m wearing faces more and more like my own, but they are still the faces of pother people.
So now the trick is knowing the parts of me and the things I can’t NOT do for unexplainable yet compelling reasons. One thing I do know: I can’t not take care of people. Another gem talking about being who God created you to be [seriously this book is great] : “But be they virtues or faults, these are the simple facts about my nature, about my limits and my gifts.”
Last one after talking about Roas Parks’ refusal to move even though she would be arrested: “No punishment anyone might inflict on them could possibly be worse than the punishment they inflict on themselves by conspiring in their own diminishment…And the converse is true as well: no reward anyone might give us could possibly be greater than the reward that comes from living by our own best lights.” So I’m sorry if I have or will hurt anyone in my figuring out of myself and God. I may leave I may stay I may continue I may quit. But your punishment is no worse than my own and your reward is no better than the reward of my God saying “Well done good and faithful servant.” Yet I still hope that me may untangle our webs together and clean off our spectacles so that we may see clearly the Glory awaiting us.